Getting in Touch with your Feminine Side
by Jesfrealo
Summary: This is silliness, pure and simple. It also refers to my story Hazards of Glue so if you've read that it would probably help. Although you could probably get this one even if you didn't.


Getting in Touch with your Feminine Side

By: Jesfrealo

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, as if you didn't already know.

Authors Note: I have no idea what I am thinking. 

__

"…Man, I feel like a woman..." 

Chris could hear the words, as Shania Twain sang them, blaring through the door of the sharpshooter's apartment. Oh, man, Chris thought to himself, Vin just doesn't know to quit when he's ahead. He continued to let his mind wonder along just what would happen if the others were to hear this. Buck, Ezra, JD, Nathan, and Josiah were already giving him a hard enough time with the whole gluing his tongue to his finger thing. Lord only knew what would happen if they heard this song so loud that it was clearly heard through the man's door. 

"MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" 

It was then that Chris realized his best friend was completely insane. For it was Vin's voice that had just attempted to sing out the words to the song. Man, his voice was bad. Off key couldn't begin to describe it. He sounds like a dying dog, Chris thought to himself. 

"Geez, was that Junior?" Buck asked nobody in particular as he and JD walked up to Vin's apartment.

"No, it couldn't be-" JD began.

"It was," Chris cut him off. 

"That boy really has lost his marbles," Buck stated matter-of-factly but with a smile in his voice and plastered across his face.

"One wonders if he had any marbles to begin with," Ezra chimed in making his presence known. 

"Amen, Brother," Josiah spoke in his deep baritone drone.

"Dear Lord," Nathan spoke, "He's really losing it I mean first the super glue and now this."

"Let's not jump to conclusions, remember why we're here," Chris reminded them. He was going to earnestly try to convince the others to give Vin a break. The whole reason they were showing up unexpectedly to the man's apartment was to try to cheer him up. After his little super glue accident they had endlessly given him a hard time, especially after Chris had told the others about their conversation and impersonated Vin's ridiculous speech. Chris felt that he and the others deserved some retribution after all the embarrassing pranks Vin had pulled on them. Besides, Chris remembered thinking to himself, Vin has tough skin. However as the days went on and the teasing continued the Sharpshooter really got down in the dumps. He became really withdrawn and wouldn't even go out with them anymore. He always said that he "just don't feel like it". Chris began to feel sorry for the young man so he asked the others to lay-off and suggested that they all go over to Vin's house and bring food and beer and have a good time. Now Chris was beginning to feel like Vin really didn't deserve him sticking up for him. Really, the man who endlessly made fun of Buck for liking the Beach Boys is listening to Shania Twain. Vin had said he listened to 'manly music'. Yeah Tanner, Chris thought to himself, _Man, I feel like a woman_ is real masculine.

"How exactly do we not jump to conclusions, Mr. Larabee?" Ezra said with a smirk on his face. 

"Well-" Chris feebly began as he was interrupted by Vin screaming out the chorus. "Let's just take a look, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation." Chris finished, truly hoping there was. He really didn't want to find out that his best friend wouldn't go out to the bar with them because he wanted to stay home and sing Shania Twain music.

"Sure, there'll be a reasonable explanation," Buck said with a smile that clearly indicated he didn't believe that for a moment. 

Chris knocked on the door. There was no answer. He tried again. Still, there was no answer. 

"Probably can't here the knocking over the music," JD suggested as Chris began to look frustrated. No one said anything as Chris reached for the doorknob. Chris wasn't frustrated at anyone or anything but Vin. He practically begged his men to leave Vin alone. He didn't like seeing the man in the state he'd been in. He barely talked and there was no laughter. Part of Chris couldn't believe Tanner was being such a baby when all they were doing was getting a little payback. However now it was apparent the man didn't come home under a cloud of depression. Plus, Chris had begged for no good reason. Chris and everyone who had any knowledge of the man knew he didn't beg. But he had and this is Tanner's so called depression! Now I look as stupid as this moron, Chris thought to himself. He fumed with anger and the remaining five watched as the doorknob turned and the door opened fully. They were all amazed at Vin's stupidity at leaving his door unlocked in the neighborhood he lived in. But then again Vin's stupidity as of late seemed to have reached an all time high. 

They walked in and took in the place Vin called home. "Well, at least his place still looks the same," Buck smiled jokingly. It had been a long running joke that Vin's place was well and truly a disaster area. The man could not keep his house clean. Ezra once joked that no one, Vin included, even knew what the floor looked like. The music continued to blare but there was no sign of Vin, until they heard him sing again. 

"What should we do?" JD asked, a bit at a loss as to what to do, after hearing Vin's singing so closely. 

"We're going to go take a look," Chris commented.

"I don't know, Chris. What if Junior's doin' something none of us want to see," Buck spoke with more then a little suggestion in his voice.

"Buck, I know that sex is all you ever think about but really, what kind of man would do it to this song and sing out like Vin is?" Nathan asked amazed at the ridiculousness of the statement and Buck's ability to bring sex into every situation.

"Well, I don't think it's so bad, I mean I sure wouldn't say a man who did wasn't any kind of man I mean I don't see how…"

"Good Lord, Buck, you didn't," Nathan looked incredulous.

"Really, Mr. Wilmington, are you not the man who commented that no real man would ever listen to 'girly' music, as you put it? So are you therefore telling us that you won't listen to it but you'll sing it while in the company of one of your, umm, lovely courtesans?" 

"Uh, Umm, Well, I mean…"

"Oh Buck, just shut up, just shut up now before you dig your self in deeper," Chris stated with one of his few genuine smiles. He honestly loved seeing Buck get a backlash for constantly talking about what was or wasn't manly when he actually did worse things then what he said. "Now I think it's safe to say that, **_Vin_**, would never do anything like that, so let's take a look at what he **_is_** up to," Chris paused for a moment. Then he continued mockingly, "Buck did you really think we wouldn't find that weird?"

Buck seemed to shrink even more while the other four men snickered trying not to laugh. There was no more conversation as they walked quietly toward where the music and Vin's voice seemed to be coming from. The closer they got to the sound; they began to realize that they were headed to the man's bedroom. They seemed to have all wordlessly and unanimously agreed that they would spy on the Sharpshooter to see what he was really doing. They reached the sharpshooter's bedroom door without him catching on that anyone was in his home, as was evidenced by the fact that he was still singing to the song which had started again on his CD player. Sneaking was actually relatively easy with the music blaring and Vin singing at the top of his lungs.

Chris walked toward the door, which was slightly ajar, and peered in through the crack. He silently pushed the door open just a little bit more and took a closer look around. Then he turned to his men and motioned them to quietly follow his lead. He had a big smile on his face as he put his forefinger to his lips as a silent reminder for them to make sure to stay quiet. 

When the five men walked into Vin's bedroom, the sight that met their eyes was frightening. But at the same time, if any moment was ever a Kodak moment it was that one. If they could get a picture of the sight before them they would be able to blackmail the sharpshooter for years to come. 

Vin was sitting so that he was in full sight of the six men in his room but so that he couldn't see them. He had his foot up on his bureau; there was bright red nail polish on his toenails and cotton balls between his toes. There had shaving cream on his legs and he was concentrating on shaving them without cutting himself. What was more, his wily, shoulder length hair was up in curlers and he was wearing a pink robe decorated with roses. There was lipstick, pantyhose, several Tampax items, lingerie, bubble bath, incense, rose petals, perfume, and a case of beer on Vin's bed. He sat in his chair with the razor in one hand a beer in the other while shaking his hips and yelling out the words to the song that continued to repeat inside his CD player. 

"So, Mr. Tanner, this is why you keep your hair long?" Ezra sniggered as he made their presence known to Vin.

Vin stood up immediately in startled surprise to face his friends and coworkers. When he faced them they saw that he had plucked his eyebrows, was wearing bright green lipstick, magenta eye shadow, way to much eyeliner, and lots of rouge. "Wh-what are doing here?" His words were slightly slurred as a result of his drunkenness which he was quickly coming out of and his fear at the finding him like this. 

"I can explain…" Vin tried to speak while trying desperately to wipe the make-up from his face with the sleeve of his pink and rose-covered robe.

"No, I really don't think you can," Chris said with a reproachful yet smirking visage that infuriated Vin. That is until Vin happened to see himself in the mirror. He turned and walked over to his bureau showing a lot of leg, more then any of them wanted to see, and that he was wearing stiletto heels. 

"Guess, I can't," Vin frowned and plopped down on his bed, knocking an open box of tampons on the floor and sending them all over.

"Brother," Josiah cleared his voice, "Please tell me you didn't try tho…"

"Yeah, Junior, you didn't try 'em, right? Cause you now it won't wor…"

"Oh, please, Buck, I know that," Vin snapped shortly as he continued rubbing his face raw trying to remove the make-up. "And there is an explanation for all this, I mean I wouldn't just do this. You now I got drunk and my girlfriend…"

"What girlfriend, you don't have a girlfriend," JD innocently commented.

Vin glared through the mountains of make-up he was wearing at the young man. "Yes, I do, or I did. Until she decided I was a 'sexist pig' and that I was the most 'chauvinistic, insensitive jerk' she'd ever met, she said I had no clue about women, so I guess when I got drunk I thought this would help me get in touch with my feminine side, when I saw y'all I snapped outta bein' drunk pretty quick. Damn, could somebody shut off the damn music," Vin held his head in his hands.

"It's okay, Brother," Josiah commented kindly. "We all do foolish things on account of women."

"Really you guys ain't gonna give me a hard time about this and…"

"No Vin we are going to give you a hard time about this," Chris spoke with a mocking, angry voice. "When a woman calls you a sexist pig or chauvinistic or insensitive YOU DON'T START DRESSING UP ON A WOMAN. ALL THAT ACCOMPLISHES IS MAKING HER THINK THAT YOU ARE GAY. ARE YOU GAY VIN?"

"NO!"

"BISEXUAL?"

"No,"

"DO YOU WANT TO GET A SEX CHANGE OPERATION?"

"NO!!"

"WELL THEN WHY IN HELL DID YOU DO THIS. I MEAN HERE I AM THINKING THAT WE'D HURT YOUR FEELINGS WHEN REALLY THIS OVER A WOMAN. I BEGGED, DAMNIT. I BEGGED THEM TO LAY-OFF YOU. AND THEY DID AND WE CAME OVER HERE TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER AND INSTEAD YOU'RE HERE DRESSING LIKE A WOMAN, PLAYING WITH TAMPONS, AND LIGHTING INSENSE BECAUSE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. DAMNIT, Vin did she say it was over?"

"Well, no, but we ain't never fought like this before," Vin spoke meekly.

"_We ain't never fought like this before_," Chris mocked in his best impersonation of a woman. Then Chris continued his enraged rant under his breath, no one dared to interrupt him, he was really pissed "Stupid asshole, you don't see men just dressing up like women whenever they get into a fight. Hell, most women don't even dress THAT stupid. Dumb son of a bitch, I mean really…"Chris continued his rant as he stormed out.

"Chris," Vin shouted after the man from his bedroom. "It's just I was drunk and I've never really had a girl friend before and I didn't want to lose her, and…"

However Chris hadn't stormed out he'd simply gone down the hall. He was back in a matter of minutes. 

"Hey, Vin," Chris called to the sharpshooter when he returned moments later.

"Wha..." Vin began when a flash blinded him. He looked up when it was over to see Chris smiling sadistically and holding a Polaroid. 

"Well, Vin, the ATF building is gonna have some new wallpaper come morning…" Chris smiled as he walked out.

"Larabee, don't you dare you bastard. You come back here…" Vin yelled as he began to run after his employer. However in combining his drunkenness and the stiletto heels he still wore he fell the moment he tried to turn down the hallway. Vin lay flat on his face and Chris turned when he heard the thud. Expecting to receive some help Vin didn't really try to stand, until he was enveloped in another flash. As Chris turned away again, Vin heard him speak once more.

"I wonder if I could talk Mary into publishing this in the Funnies…"

"BASTARD!!" Vin yelled out.

"Don't you mean _BASTHARD, _Vin," Chris corrected exaggerating the trouble Vin had had talking when he had his little glue accident. 


End file.
